Forgiveness Fears are Fallacious

April 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment

There are many common fears and misperceptions about forgiving someone who has hurt you.  You might recognize yourself in some of these fearful justifications:

  • You are afraid that forgiveness will empower the other person to continue to hurt you and/or other people.
  • You are afraid of giving up your victim role and the sympathy you get from other people.
  • You are afraid that forgiving will make you vulnerable to experiencing hurts similar to those you’ve experienced in the past.

These fears are fallacious, as we shall see.

Since publishing my new book, called A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, several of my coaching clients have declared something like this, “I can’t forgive my ex-husband because I’m afraid he’s going to do horrible things to me and the kids.  If I forgive, I won’t be vigilant any more – who will protect my children?”  Or another might say, “I can’t forgive him – if I do, I’ll just attract the same type of horrible man into my life again.”  These women feel a false sense of security in holding onto their grievances – that wrapping themselves in the negative energy of non-forgiveness will somehow keep them safe.  I understand that feeling, because I was in that place for many years. 

For me, my thoughts were, “How can I forgive that horrible person for the unthinkable acts she did against me? I was right and she was wrong!  I can’t forgive her, because then, I might not be completely right anymore.”  Ouch.  To relinquish your position of being 100% right – and righteous – is to eat humble pie, and what a bitter pie that is.  Yep, that was a tough one for me!

Before I tell you why it’s counterproductive to hold on to these justifications of your non-forgiveness, let’s remember that the definition of forgiveness is not to condone the behavior of people that have hurt you, or to ignore the pain that it has caused you. Instead, the purpose of forgiveness is to achieve a neutral feeling – IN YOUR OWN HEART – when you remember the person or incident that hurt you.  It has nothing to do with the other person.  It has only to do with relinquishing your burden of anger, regret, resentment, recrimination and self-righteousness – and laying that burden down for good – so you can focus 100% of your energy on your present life.

So here is my little secret about fears about forgiving:  Unfortunately, by not forgiving, you cannot protect yourself at all. Holding onto your grievance – and the anger, regrets, resentment, recrimination and self-righteousness that go with it – keeps you in a state of mind that actually attracts those same qualities to you.  Remember the old adage that “like attracts like”.  If you are holding on to negative emotions and memories, don’t be surprised if similar events and emotions keep showing up in your life.  I’m talking about events and people that exemplify the same negative emotions you cling to.  They will continue to show up in your life until you forgive.

If you want more of what you’ve had in the past, don’t bother to forgive.  If, however, you’d like to make a clean break from the past and live a happier life, please consider forgiveness.


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Timing is Everything, Even with Forgiveness

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

I remember a colleague saying, “Kristin, timing is everything, and this is not the time,” when I offered her a job that would require a move to another state.  Her family situation didn’t allow her to move at that time, but she left open the possibility that the timing could be right in a difference circumstance.  I thought it was a wise statement, not just about jobs but about most decisions in  life.  The timing has to be right.

The same can be said about choosing to forgive.  There are times in your life when the timing will be right for you to forgive and there will be times when you are not yet ready to forgive.  In my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, I teach a seven-step process to forgive.  I know this process can work for you as it has for me, but I also know that the timing must be right for you.  This is not a race to see who can become the most spiritually advanced the quickest.  Source/God has all the time in the universe – in more ways than one! – and Source is patiently waiting for the right time to nudge you, to entice you, to motivate you to forgive.  In my case, Source waited patiently for the time when I was desperate to find an alternative to feeling mad, bad and sad about a particular incident and person in my past.  I was so weary of carrying grief, anger and self-recrimination, so tired of re-creating those feelings every time I remembered the person and events that hurt me, and so mad at myself for not being able to just forget about it. It took me nine months to get to this point of desperation, and then Source blessed me with the inspiration to create the seven-step process of forgiveness.  I used it to free myself of the emotional entanglements that were binding my spiritual and emotional feet, releasing me to walk again with a spring in my step.

It may take you nine seconds, nine days, nine months, nine years or ninety years to be ready to forgive.

That’s OK – really OK.  The first person you need to forgive is yourself – for not being ready to forgive within the timeframe that you, a mere mortal, think is right.  It’s also OK to never forgive.  Source does not judge you for that, nor should anyone else.  God waits patiently for you to live in love, and forgiveness is a building block in constructing a life of love. You are assured of God’s love whether you forgive or not, so your decision to forgive is simply to assist yourself in this life.

I have a friend who is particularly good at being patient with herself, and at forgiving herself for not being ready.  In her case, it was being ready to quit smoking. She tried to quit five times in five years, and each time except the last was unsuccessful. I watched her both during and after each of her failed attempts to kick the habit and was filled with admiration of the self-love she showed each time.  “It’s OK,” she would tell me with assurance. “I’m just not ready yet to quit smoking.  I’ll be ready sometime.”  When the time was right, she quit smoking.

It’s that kind of patience and self-love we need in contemplating the decision to forgive. It’s OK, you’ll be ready sometime.

In the meantime, you might go ahead and purchase my beautiful book, put in on your bedside table, look at it every night before going to bed.  In time, I know you’ll be ready to give forgiveness a try.


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Forgiveness at Work is NOT a Touchy-Feely Gimmick

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

nlleafWe don’t often think about forgiveness in a business context. It’s usually not in our vocabulary at work. But it needs to be. Forgiveness at work creates a healthier work climate or environment and creates many other real benefits. It is not a touchy-feely gimmick. Forgiveness in the workplace is good business.

It is important to define forgiveness at work. Forgiveness is giving people the benefit of the doubt and a second (or third) chance after making a mistake. It is putting aside past hurts and affronts to build a respectful relationship with a co-worker. Forgiveness is allowing people to learn through experimentation, without fear of reprisal. It is viewing an employee’s performance from a holistic perspective that includes past work history, personal strengths and the needs of the organization. Lastly, forgiveness in the workplace is cutting management a lot of slack.

Forgiveness does not mean creating a laissez-faire environment in which no one is held accountable, nor does it mean that we ignore bad or illegal behavior. Forgiveness never implies that the natural consequences of an action should be thwarted. Forgiveness and accountability go together to make tough love a stance that recognizes the worth of each individual while holding him responsible for the consequences of his actions.

In coaching executives and mid-managers, I find that the lack of forgiveness is always a factor in interpersonal conflict at work. It is imperative that we find ways of incorporating the gentle art of forgiveness into our work environment. Everyone, including the business, will benefit.

How does forgiveness operate at work? Here are five ways that forgiveness is applied in the workplace and the benefits of each:

1. Forgiveness creates a learning environment.

When people are allowed to fail with forgiveness, they tend to learn from their mistakes. Despite what you may think, every person must fail to learn. Think of a baby learning to walk: she falls, gets up, walks a step or two, and falls again. This pattern is repeated countless times until she learns to walk with perfection. Not only does she walk, but she learns to skip, to jump and to run, too! Forgiveness is especially needed when an employee learns a new skill, is put into a new position, or is promoted to a new level. Even experienced workers, including executives, make mistakes from time to time. A good employee will know when he makes a mistake, and he will need a boost of confidence from their manager, not a tongue-lashing. If the employee is in the right place and has the proper managerial support to succeed, he will learn and grow from his experiences. The corporation or organization will benefit from their accumulated wisdom.

Forgiveness must be accompanied by accountability, however. Established patterns of poor performance usually indicate that the job is not a good fit for the employee’s strengths or capabilities. A possible guideline is: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Once that pattern is well established, it is time to apply the natural consequences of their poor behavior, up to and including termination.

2. Forgiveness creates higher performance levels.

When the work environment includes forgiveness, people become more creative and produce at a higher level. Organizational research has proven that when employees are given more autonomy in their work (which implies forgiveness for mistakes that may occur), they are happier and more productive.

At a corporation that I worked with, a high potential manager was experiencing some unusual but significant performance problems that were affecting his entire team. To his director, he revealed that his wife had asked for a divorce and the emotional stress was affecting his work. Rather than write him up with a performance improvement plan, his director involved Human Resources and found a coach for the manager. After working with the coach for six months, the manager was able to identify ways to reduce his stress, sort through his feelings about the divorce and turn around his performance. In this manner, the corporation practiced forgiveness and saved a high potential employee, who continues to increase his contribution to the department.

3. Forgiveness improves the work climate and increases revenues.

Daniel Goleman reports in his book, Primal Leadership, that positive emotions and upbeat moods improve the work environment, which in turn increases revenues. This is especially true in service companies, where the positive emotions of the workers affect the service provided to customers. How can you increase positive emotions in your team? Martin Seligman, in his book called Authentic Happiness, reports that forgiveness is one of the ways you can increase your happiness. In other words, forgiveness is a contributor to positive emotions, both on the individual and collective levels. Therefore, practicing forgiveness in the workplace can improve the working environment and positively affect the profitability of the company.

Interpersonal conflict is the source of much workplace stress that contributes to lost productivity, failed projects and a toxic environment. When people practice forgiveness toward each other, work goes more smoothly, projects complete on time, creativity is enhanced and problem solving is improved. It is easy to get stuck in a passive war with someone who has stolen your idea and called it his own, or someone who constantly disagrees with you or someone who undermines you. It is harder to find forgiveness in your heart toward these people, but to do so will increase your own peace and happiness on the job and make you and your team more productive.

4. Forgiveness increases employee loyalty.

Research shows that positive emotions in the workplace create more loyal employees. Even in difficult economic times, the loss of a highly productive employee is a concern for all organizations. Creating a forgiving climate in the office or workplace improves the positive emotions and contributes to the retention of good workers.

At another company that I worked with, a new employee had to have emergency surgery before the company-sponsored health plan fully covered her expenses. The company literally forgave her wait period and paid for her medical expenses as if she were fully covered under the medical insurance. In addition, the company loaned her the amount of her co-pay for this expensive surgery. What the company received in return was the loyalty of that worker, who has remained at the company for over twenty years, rising to the rank of Human Resources vice president. Now she is in a position to reach back and help other employees by extending the spirit of forgiveness that still pervades that corporate culture.

5. Forgiveness is cutting management a lot of slack.

We’ve talked a lot about managers forgiving their employees, but let’s turn that around. In most organizations, managers deserve a lot of forgiveness from their employees. Most managers want what is best for the employees, for the customers and for the company, and often it is difficult to please all three constituents. Sometimes, managers must make decisions that cannot be fully explained to their teams due to the confidential nature of the situation. Managers are human like the rest of us and have good and bad days. The same rule as above applies: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Suspend your judgments until you have taken a generous amount of time to gather enough data points to truly assess your manager. Then, choose your actions wisely. By forgiving your boss, you may save your job and your sanity in the workplace.

The shape of the 21st century workplace must include the practice of forgiveness for organizations to grow and thrive, because forgiveness, as we’ve seen, produces tangible and intangible benefits. The current economic crisis provides an opportunity to examine and improve or revolutionize – our old ways of doing business. Building a climate of forgiveness in the workplace is a revolutionary idea whose time has come but only for those businesses that wish to survive the current challenges and flourish in the years to come.


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