Carol Merlo Called It “A Must Read”

June 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment

This week, my virtual book tour continues with a “stop” at Carol Merlo’s health and wellness blog. She reviewed A Forgiveness Journal and even called it “A Must Read”! You can check out her review at theeightkeystowellness.com.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

Two Views Of Forgiveness: Virtual Book Tour Week in Review

June 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment

As my virtual book tour starts to pick up steam, I’ve had the opportunity to “stop” by a couple of blogs this week.

The first was at the Keener Financial Planning blog, where Jean Keener talked about how forgiveness can help you with your financial life, especially in this down economy. My article, Forgiveness: 5 Reasons It’s Good for You was also posted to the blog.

Then, today, my pastor posted a review of my book at the Sunflower Chalice blog.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

Virtual Book Tour Week in Review

June 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment

This past week, I stopped by the Planting God Communities blog managed by Rev. Ron Robinson. His post talked about Letting Go of the Past, Forgiveness, and Planting. He even talked about William Faulkner! Good company to be in, I think.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Virtual Book Tour, blog

A Forgiveness Journal Virtual Book Tour Re-cap

June 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment

The virtual book tour for my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, is now underway. Last week, I “stopped by” The Women’s Business Gallery. Carma Spence-Pothitt, the owner of the site, promoted my book and discussed how forgiveness can help you break through barriers that might be holding you back in your business.

You can see that the stops on my tour are starting to fill in. They are regularly updated on my official Virtual Book Tour page, as well as in the sidebar of this website.

If you would like to participate in the tour … there are some perks, including the chance to win a copy of my book, as well as being spotlighted on my webistes … just contact my assistants at info@brioleadership.com.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

Timing is Everything, Even with Forgiveness

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

I remember a colleague saying, “Kristin, timing is everything, and this is not the time,” when I offered her a job that would require a move to another state. Her family situation didn’t allow her to move at that time, but she left open the possibility that the timing could be right in a difference circumstance. I thought it was a wise statement, not just about jobs but about most decisions in life. The timing has to be right.

The same can be said about choosing to forgive. There are times in your life when the timing will be right for you to forgive and there will be times when you are not yet ready to forgive. In my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, I teach a seven-step process to forgive. I know this process can work for you as it has for me, but I also know that the timing must be right for you. This is not a race to see who can become the most spiritually advanced the quickest. Source/God has all the time in the universe - in more ways than one! - and Source is patiently waiting for the right time to nudge you, to entice you, to motivate you to forgive. In my case, Source waited patiently for the time when I was desperate to find an alternative to feeling mad, bad and sad about a particular incident and person in my past. I was so weary of carrying grief, anger and self-recrimination, so tired of re-creating those feelings every time I remembered the person and events that hurt me, and so mad at myself for not being able to just forget about it. It took me nine months to get to this point of desperation, and then Source blessed me with the inspiration to create the seven-step process of forgiveness. I used it to free myself of the emotional entanglements that were binding my spiritual and emotional feet, releasing me to walk again with a spring in my step.

It may take you nine seconds, nine days, nine months, nine years or ninety years to be ready to forgive.

That’s OK - really OK. The first person you need to forgive is yourself - for not being ready to forgive within the timeframe that you, a mere mortal, think is right. It’s also OK to never forgive. Source does not judge you for that, nor should anyone else. God waits patiently for you to live in love, and forgiveness is a building block in constructing a life of love. You are assured of God’s love whether you forgive or not, so your decision to forgive is simply to assist yourself in this life.

I have a friend who is particularly good at being patient with herself, and at forgiving herself for not being ready. In her case, it was being ready to quit smoking. She tried to quit five times in five years, and each time except the last was unsuccessful. I watched her both during and after each of her failed attempts to kick the habit and was filled with admiration of the self-love she showed each time. “It’s OK,” she would tell me with assurance. “I’m just not ready yet to quit smoking. I’ll be ready sometime.” When the time was right, she quit smoking.

It’s that kind of patience and self-love we need in contemplating the decision to forgive. It’s OK, you’ll be ready sometime.

In the meantime, you might go ahead and purchase my beautiful book, put in on your bedside table, look at it every night before going to bed. In time, I know you’ll be ready to give forgiveness a try.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under blog

Forgiveness at Work is NOT Singing Kumbaya

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

nlleaf We don’t often think about forgiveness in a business context. It’s usually not in our vocabulary at work. But it needs to be. Forgiveness at work creates a healthier work climate or environment and creates many other real benefits. It is not a touchy-feely, hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbaya gimmick. Forgiveness in the workplace is good business.

It is important to define forgiveness at work. Forgiveness is giving people the benefit of the doubt and a second (or third) chance after making a mistake. It is putting aside past hurts and affronts to build a respectful relationship with a co-worker. Forgiveness is allowing people to learn through experimentation, without fear of reprisal. It is viewing an employee’s performance from a holistic perspective that includes past work history, personal strengths and the needs of the organization. Lastly, forgiveness in the workplace is cutting management a lot of slack.

Forgiveness does not mean creating a laissez-faire environment in which no one is held accountable, nor does it mean that we ignore bad or illegal behavior. Forgiveness never implies that the natural consequences of an action should be thwarted. Forgiveness and accountability go together to make tough love a stance that recognizes the worth of each individual while holding him responsible for the consequences of his actions.

In coaching executives and mid-managers, I find that the lack of forgiveness is always a factor in interpersonal conflict at work. It is imperative that we find ways of incorporating the gentle art of forgiveness into our work environment. Everyone, including the business, will benefit.

How does forgiveness operate at work? Here are five ways that forgiveness is applied in the workplace and the benefits of each:

1. Forgiveness creates a learning environment.

When people are allowed to fail with forgiveness, they tend to learn from their mistakes. Despite what you may think, every person must fail to learn. Think of a baby learning to walk: she falls, gets up, walks a step or two, and falls again. This pattern is repeated countless times until she learns to walk with perfection. Not only does she walk, but she learns to skip, to jump and to run, too! Forgiveness is especially needed when an employee learns a new skill, is put into a new position, or is promoted to a new level. Even experienced workers, including executives, make mistakes from time to time. A good employee will know when he makes a mistake, and he will need a boost of confidence from their manager, not a tongue-lashing. If the employee is in the right place and has the proper managerial support to succeed, he will learn and grow from his experiences. The corporation or organization will benefit from their accumulated wisdom.

Forgiveness must be accompanied by accountability, however. Established patterns of poor performance usually indicate that the job is not a good fit for the employee’s strengths or capabilities. A possible guideline is: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Once that pattern is well established, it is time to apply the natural consequences of their poor behavior, up to and including termination.

2. Forgiveness creates higher performance levels.

When the work environment includes forgiveness, people become more creative and produce at a higher level. Organizational research has proven that when employees are given more autonomy in their work (which implies forgiveness for mistakes that may occur), they are happier and more productive.

At a corporation that I worked with, a high potential manager was experiencing some unusual but significant performance problems that were affecting his entire team. To his director, he revealed that his wife had asked for a divorce and the emotional stress was affecting his work. Rather than write him up with a performance improvement plan, his director involved Human Resources and found a coach for the manager. After working with the coach for six months, the manager was able to identify ways to reduce his stress, sort through his feelings about the divorce and turn around his performance. In this manner, the corporation practiced forgiveness and saved a high potential employee, who continues to increase his contribution to the department.

3. Forgiveness improves the work climate and increases revenues.

Daniel Goleman reports in his book, Primal Leadership, that positive emotions and upbeat moods improve the work environment, which in turn increases revenues. This is especially true in service companies, where the positive emotions of the workers affect the service provided to customers. How can you increase positive emotions in your team? Martin Seligman, in his book called Authentic Happiness, reports that forgiveness is one of the ways you can increase your happiness. In other words, forgiveness is a contributor to positive emotions, both on the individual and collective levels. Therefore, practicing forgiveness in the workplace can improve the working environment and positively affect the profitability of the company.

Interpersonal conflict is the source of much workplace stress that contributes to lost productivity, failed projects and a toxic environment. When people practice forgiveness toward each other, work goes more smoothly, projects complete on time, creativity is enhanced and problem solving is improved. It is easy to get stuck in a passive war with someone who has stolen your idea and called it his own, or someone who constantly disagrees with you or someone who undermines you. It is harder to find forgiveness in your heart toward these people, but to do so will increase your own peace and happiness on the job and make you and your team more productive.

4. Forgiveness increases employee loyalty.

Research shows that positive emotions in the workplace create more loyal employees. Even in difficult economic times, the loss of a highly productive employee is a concern for all organizations. Creating a forgiving climate in the office or workplace improves the positive emotions and contributes to the retention of good workers.

At another company that I worked with, a new employee had to have emergency surgery before the company-sponsored health plan fully covered her expenses. The company literally forgave her wait period and paid for her medical expenses as if she were fully covered under the medical insurance. In addition, the company loaned her the amount of her co-pay for this expensive surgery. What the company received in return was the loyalty of that worker, who has remained at the company for over twenty years, rising to the rank of Human Resources vice president. Now she is in a position to reach back and help other employees by extending the spirit of forgiveness that still pervades that corporate culture.

5. Forgiveness is cutting management a lot of slack.

We’ve talked a lot about managers forgiving their employees, but let’s turn that around. In most organizations, managers deserve a lot of forgiveness from their employees. Most managers want what is best for the employees, for the customers and for the company, and often it is difficult to please all three constituents. Sometimes, managers must make decisions that cannot be fully explained to their teams due to the confidential nature of the situation. Managers are human like the rest of us and have good and bad days. The same rule as above applies: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Suspend your judgments until you have taken a generous amount of time to gather enough data points to truly assess your manager. Then, choose your actions wisely. By forgiving your boss, you may save your job and your sanity in the workplace.

The shape of the 21st century workplace must include the practice of forgiveness for organizations to grow and thrive, because forgiveness, as we’ve seen, produces tangible and intangible benefits. The current economic crisis provides an opportunity to examine and improve or revolutionize - our old ways of doing business. Building a climate of forgiveness in the workplace is a revolutionary idea whose time has come but only for those businesses that wish to survive the current challenges and flourish in the years to come.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, blog

Forgiveness is like Chicken Soup: Good for What Ails You

February 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Forgiveness is like eating chicken soup for whatever ails you – it helps you feel better all over. You forgive others to help yourself – not to help the other person. Surprised? In my definition of forgiveness, the goal is to neutralize the emotional charge that you carry toward a person who has harmed you. Forgiveness is like letting yourself out of jail – you release the hateful, vengeful thoughts that imprison you and make you feel bad every time you remember the hurtful incident.

So if forgiveness is like chicken soup, what are the results of enjoying a steaming, savory bowl of the stuff? Here are five personal benefits to forgiving:

You are healthier. You do your body a favor when you forgive. Recent research has shown that the act of forgiveness pays dividends in the form of less illness and physical maladies. Some schools of thought state that the lack of forgiveness is the root cause of all physical illness, and that the first thought you should have when you discover a physical ailment is, “Who or what do I need to forgive?”
You are happier and more peaceful. A human being is an energy-producing and energy-consuming organism. The state of non-forgiveness, along with feelings of vengeance, hate and self-recrimination, drain you of energy – they divert large amounts of your daily energy allotment, leaving less power for positive emotions and for enjoying life. Once you learn to forgive, you free up the energy that was invested in maintaining your negative emotions. Now you have energy to invest in positive experiences and enjoyment of your many blessings.
You enjoy improved mental health. Recent research shows that people who learn to forgive suffer from fewer incidents of depression than before. In addition, people who forgive experience less anxiety. Before learning forgiveness, your spirit is stuck in negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and vengeance. When you forgive, you make room for more positive emotions such as love and compassion.
Your stress level decreases. Stress is your response to a perceived threat. What one person perceives as a threat is not a threat to another. If you remain in a state of non-forgiveness, you have less energy to devote to seeking other perceptions of a stressor and seeing it in a different light. A large cause of stress is a lack of control over a situation or your life. When you forgive, you are choosing a different response from the past, which gives you more control over your life and reduces your stress level.
It is easier to stay in the present moment. The process of forgiveness frees you from the tyranny of remembering past hurts. Your spirit no longer is bound to the past, your mind stops reviewing and re-living grievances, and you stop clinging to a victim’s role. You are able to live in the present moment, which is the most spiritually mature way to live. When you live in the present moment, you live with a heart and a mind that are wide open to perceiving the wonders and blessings of life.

It is hard to contemplate an employee in today’s workplace who doesn’t have someone or something to forgive. Forgiveness opportunities range from relatively minor annoyances to major grievances. A minor annoyance at the office, especially in cubicle-land, is the allergic co-worker who sits in the next cube and loudly clears his throat all day in the most annoying way. Can you forgive him? Or what about the customer from hell who yells at you for something you have no control over? Is that forgivable? Consider the boss who repeatedly overlooks you for promotions that you clearly deserve or who gives you a bad performance review? That is not easy to forgive. An even bigger grievance is the boss or business partner who swindles you out of a large sum of money, or who sexually harasses you. Now, that’s a big deal.

Everyone constantly faces forgiveness opportunities – at work, at home, towards you and toward others. In my new book, A Forgiveness Journal, I present a seven step process of forgiving, that includes identifying your feelings, talking it out, changing viewpoints, gaining perspective, writing to the other person, acting and blessing the other. By following these steps, you too can reap the benefits of forgiveness. It’s like eating chicken soup when you feel bad – you will feel better all over!

Kristin’s forthcoming book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, will be released on March 9, 2009.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Forgiveness, blog

Trust in God and Tie your Camel

February 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment

There is a Sufi saying that states, "Trust in God and tie your camel." This is a poetic way of describing the paradox of surrendering to Source energy, letting it bring blessings and surprises to you, while at the same time making plans and taking earthly precautions. This is the balancing act that you are called to do as a spirit in an earthly body. Finding the balance between surrender, or accepting what is, and setting a goal is a minute-by-minute challenge. Those who do it consciously do it better.

I was reminded of this the other day. In my rush to get out the door to give a presentation to a women’s group across town, I forgot my purse. I discovered the omission 15 minutes into my drive, and I realized right away that I couldn’t go back to fetch it if I wanted to be on time for my presentation. So I kept on. Then, I started listing in my mind what was in my purse - my driver’s license, my credit cards, my money, my lipstick and - Oh no! - my smart phone, which held the name of the company that I was speaking at, the address AND the directions to it! Without my phone, I couldn’t even call someone to get directions! I not only felt naked without my purse, I felt bereft of my technological safety net. I wracked my brain for the details that I remembered, which were - well, not much: the name of the street and the approximate route to get there. And, I remembered that the company name had three initials in it, like TXO or something similar.

"OK, God," I prayed, "I am in your hands now. I trust you to guide me to my destination." Then I just gave it up, trusting that Source would guide me to my destination.

I had just read an article in Newsweek about the four actions that people who have a high "survivor IQ" do to increase their odds of being lucky. One of these actions is to remain fully aware to life and the possibilities inherent in every situation. Taking that to heart, I drove very carefully, with an unusual level of vigilance and with my eyes wide open, scanning for possibilities in every moment. I exited off the freeway - that much, but only that much, was I certain of - and then I just opened my eyes and my heart for what was going to happen. I recognized the name of the street just as I was almost past it, took a screeching right turn, then again beseeched God to guide me. I drove about 3 blocks, and suddenly came upon a beautiful office building with a peaceful fountain in front. There, right before my eyes, I recognized the company name on the building’s marquee - AXA Advisors! Another screeching right turn, and I was parking in the visitor’s lot. As I entered the building, I saw a colleague who was running the meeting and she greeted me like nothing had happened.

Everything seemed normal to my friend, but for me, a miracle had happened. I had neglected to tie my camel, so to speak, and I had to trust in God to get me to my destination. Surrendering control is not easy for me to do, even though I try to let go and let God. But that day, I had no choice but to hand over control to Source.

What I learned is that you must meet God half-way, you can’t just give up and let God do all the work. I had to keep going in order to be able to receive Source’s blessing of guiding me to my destination. If I had given up or turned back, I would have cheated myself of the blessing, and certainly the lesson. But I also had to let go of my need to know how I would get there; I had to relax my control of the itinerary. I had to trust that divine energy would get me there. And it did.

Step forward and keep moving, all while trusting that Source will ultimately guide you to your destination. Trust in God and tie your camel.

Posted by admin | Filed Under blog

Spiritual Goal Setting

February 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment

It’s that time of year when people set goals and companies are finalizing for the coming year. I’d like to share my thoughts and experiences about goal setting that might provide you with some new perspectives on this annual ritual.

I have a love/hate relationship with setting annual goals. The trouble I see with setting specific, rigid goals for a year or more at a time is that you can’t predict what life and the universe will present you 12 months in advance. I have earnestly set goals in January that were out of date by the first of April. I get discouraged by that.

Here is an example of life’s unpredictable nature from one of my coaching clients, who gave me permission to share this with you. In September, 2008, he accepted an early retirement package from his company and left the workplace where he had been employed for 17 years. I asked him if taking early retirement was in his goals for 2008. He said, “No, that wasn’t even on my radar screen last January because I had no idea that the company would offer a package.” This is a great example of the universe throwing curve balls at you. In this story, it was a happy ending for my client, but a surprise nonetheless.

Yet, I acknowledge the wisdom in sayings such as “What gets measured gets done” and “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” So I recommend setting over-arching themes for the year, such as financial targets, big accomplishments, life balance and health goals - and revise them quarterly. Set your overall goals but leave room for God to fill in the specifics of how you will achieve them. Indeed, expecting divine intervention and surprises is what makes goal setting fun and exciting!

I have worked at several companies that revise their budgets every three months. These companies acknowledge the fact that it is impossible to anticipate changes such as market disruptions, the loss of a major client and unplanned but needed investments. So too should you review and revise your annual goals quarterly.

Here are three other activities to enhance your goal setting:

Create space in your goals for God’s grace to manifest in your life. I do this in my company’s budget by leaving some income lines blank, with question marks in the dollar column. The blanks and question marks leave room for surprises and blessings that I cannot anticipate. This is similar to a prayer of petition that asks for some blessings and adds, “Or whatever is for my highest good.” Delivering that which is for my highest good is Source’s job and delight, and I wish to be open to it.

Create specific, granular three-month goals and review them every day. The period of three months provides a good chance of achieving specific goals and can help you break down your overarching goals into doable, achievable mini-goals. Every quarter, create new three-month goals that take you closer to your bigger goals. This way, you can create your path toward your larger goals as you go.

Lastly, picture your goals in color. Create a vision or dream map using a large poster board. Divide the board into four quadrants and label them with these aspects of your life:
- Physical/home
- Business/career/financial
- Family and friends
- Spiritual and service to others

Find colorful images of what you wish to achieve and affix them to the appropriate quadrant of your board with a glue stick. For example, in my business quadrant, I glued a picture of a coach, a teacher and a transformer because those are the roles that I wish to play for others in my business. I included a picture of a piece of paper money (a US greenback) with my income goal for the year printed on it. This fun exercise gives shape to your overall goals, and provides a format for considering your life in a holistic view.

Have fun with your goals! I envision you achieving all your dreams for 2009.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Intentions, Work, blog

Gossip and the Spirit

January 16, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Gossiping can suck the zest out of your spirit. Gossip is mean-spirited and little-minded; its goal is to make the gossipers feel superior to the gossiped-about. It is seductive, addictive and a way of bonding with other gossipers, all while pulling you down to the lowest spiritual common denominator. Gently observe your interactions with others, and catch yourself if you feel you are getting sucked into gossip.

Let’s define what gossip is and is not. Gossip is judgmental chit-chat about another person or group. It is conversation that lacks compassion for the other party, and sets up an "us versus them" mentality. It pits one viewpoint against another, with that of the gossipers as better than the others. Gossip tends to make the gossipers feel better by stroking their egos. It severs the gossiper’s connection to their true essence, which is love. Gossip sounds like this: "I can’t believe our neighbors put out those hideous pink flamingo sculptures in their front yard! It looks so trashy! They even have wings that rotate in the wind and make the worst noise. What horrid taste! Can you believe it?"

Observations, on the other hand, are more neutral statements of how you see a situation or a person. We are presented with much diversity in our world and our experiences, and our job is to decide what experiences, attitudes, perceptions and people we want to welcome into our lives. We must discern which path will be ours. Observations can include a discernment statement, as in, "Our neighbors put up pink flamingos in their front yard. That’s not my style, so I won’t be doing the same." The observation includes an implicit respect for the other person’s tastes or decisions, acknowledging that we all have our foibles.

So what can you do when other people are trying to suck you into a gossip session? Here are some suggestions:

Be aware. In order to do anything, you have to be aware of what’s going on. Gossip has a different energy from observations, so start observing your feelings and your spirit as you converse with others. Try to discern whether the conversation has the heavy, judgmental feel of gossip or is still in the energy range of non-judgmental observations. Be gentle with yourself - we all gossip from time to time, but the first step to a gossip-free, more spirit-filled life is to be aware of when it happens.
Be silent. I have a friend who is my personal gossip police, even though she doesn’t know it. Every time I steer our conversation toward even a mildly gossipy statement, she gives me a look (that I now recognize) and says nothing. I know I need to shut up - fast - before I jump over the precipice into that nasty river of hatefulness and judgment. Practice being silent - it can be highly effective with people who are sensitive to the ill effects of gossip.
Use shock and awe statements. I remember being a software support representative in San Francisco in the mid-1980’s - not so long after the Summer of Love and its infamy. I was on the phone with a customer who asked where we were located. When I told him our office was in San Francisco, he spewed, "Oh yeah, the city of fruits and nuts!" Rather than follow his lead, I replied with a shock and awe statement that shut him up, "Yes, San Franciscans accepts everyone’s eccentricities, including mine."
Refuse to engage. This is highly effective. It’s like a martial art - you deflect the attack and turn the energy away from danger. You do this in conversation either by changing the subject or replying to a judgmental statement with a neutral observation.

Be your own gossip police and put a stop to gossip’s negative energy in your life!

Posted by admin | Filed Under Mindfulness, The Journey, blog

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