Carol Merlo Called It “A Must Read”

June 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment

This week, my virtual book tour continues with a “stop” at Carol Merlo’s health and wellness blog. She reviewed A Forgiveness Journal and even called it “A Must Read”! You can check out her review at theeightkeystowellness.com.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

Two Views Of Forgiveness: Virtual Book Tour Week in Review

June 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment

As my virtual book tour starts to pick up steam, I’ve had the opportunity to “stop” by a couple of blogs this week.

The first was at the Keener Financial Planning blog, where Jean Keener talked about how forgiveness can help you with your financial life, especially in this down economy. My article, Forgiveness: 5 Reasons It’s Good for You was also posted to the blog.

Then, today, my pastor posted a review of my book at the Sunflower Chalice blog.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

The Most Ignored Task on your Job Search To-do List

June 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Have you been laid-off or fired from your last job? Are you looking for work and not having much success? Standard advice to job seekers includes updating the resume, attending networking events, calling your contacts, etc. What is seldom mentioned is the need to work on forgiving your last employer or manager who laid you off. Without fully processing your anger and resentment toward your last job, company or boss, you will have a hard time convincing a new employer to hire you.

What happens if you are lucky enough to get an interview and you are still full of bitterness toward your last manager? Even if you don’t say something overtly derogatory about your last job, your resentment will be felt on an unconscious level by the interviewer. What interviewer, in a very tight job market, wants to hire someone who is full of negative emotions? In a recession, employers have the pick of the field in hiring, and will almost always choose a candidate who exudes confidence, forgiveness of past employers and a broad perspective of market conditions and human frailty.

During a period of unemployment, your time would be well spent in working through your feelings about how and why you were terminated. Writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings is a good way to extract them from the inside closet of your mind and apply them to paper. In that way, your analytical brain can process them, see patterns, gain perspective and forgive the past. Forgiving yourself will be part of this process for those who feel some responsibility for losing their job.

For how-to advice on forgiving, please refer to my book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, found at www.aforgivenessjournal.com

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A Forgiveness Journal Virtual Book Tour Re-cap

June 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment

The virtual book tour for my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, is now underway. Last week, I “stopped by” The Women’s Business Gallery. Carma Spence-Pothitt, the owner of the site, promoted my book and discussed how forgiveness can help you break through barriers that might be holding you back in your business.

You can see that the stops on my tour are starting to fill in. They are regularly updated on my official Virtual Book Tour page, as well as in the sidebar of this website.

If you would like to participate in the tour … there are some perks, including the chance to win a copy of my book, as well as being spotlighted on my webistes … just contact my assistants at info@brioleadership.com.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, Virtual Book Tour, blog

Finally, Forgive Yourself First!

May 2, 2009 | Leave a Comment

A shocked silence hung over the conference room. Barry (not his real name), usually a compassionate and even-tempered vice president, had just loudly berated one of his managers during a staff meeting. The accused manager was looking down at his hands with a reddened face and the other managers’ jaws had dropped at this unusual display of emotional mismanagement. Barry quickly ended the meeting and hurried to his office. Later, he told me about the situation. “I was at the end of my rope, Kristin. My son is having terrible health problems and I had been up most of the night worrying about him and about work. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. How can I ever forgive myself or make it up to that manager?” As his coach, I told him that self-forgiveness is an important managerial practice, and that he had an opportunity to model good self-care to the rest of the team. He decided to apologize in person to the manager and made a public apology at the next staff meeting. Then he and I worked on ways for Barry to forgive himself.

You probably can relate to Barry’s situation. Everyone has multiple instances in their past that beg for self-forgiveness. Here are some self-forgiveness opportunities you might experience:

You blame yourself for being laid-off or not getting a promotion
You are angry at yourself for having to learn by making mistakes (like saying something hurtful, sending out an inappropriate email, doing something unethical)
You deeply regret harm that you caused someone else
You are caught in a cycle of self-talk that endlessly repeats, “I shoulda, coulda, woulda”
You regret lost opportunities to create harmony or show love, such as losing your temper at work or missing your daughter’s soccer game
You aren’t ready to forgive someone else

Naturally, your first step in self-forgiveness is to take responsibility for what you did. That means that you make amends for any harm you created, and do your best to right any wrong. You might have to apologize to the person you hurt, or reap the natural or legal consequences of what you did (such as paying a fine, going to court, losing a job, not closing a deal, and more). Taking responsibility is the mark of a mature individual.

However, if you think you need self-forgiveness, you already, by definition, realize the part you played in the situation and are aware of your responsibility. This awareness is positive, and you must give yourself a pat on the back for being responsible for your actions.

Then, you deserve your own forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness is achieving a feeling of neutrality toward the situation and not feeling surge of negative emotions when you think about it. Self-forgiveness is part of exquisite self-care, in which you fulfill your own needs and take full responsibility for your own happiness.

The seven-step process of forgiving that I describe in my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, works for both forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. Some of the highlights of the process include identifying your feelings, gaining perspective and blessing yourself.

Identify your feelings

You must express your feelings such as regret, anger, sadness, blame and resentment. Emotions that are buried or stuffed away never die – they only cause One effective way to do this is to write about your feelings, perhaps starting your sentences with “I am angry about {blank}” or “I feel regret about {blank}”. The great thing about writing is that it is entirely private – no one needs to see what you write. One of my coaching clients types his journal entries on his computer and purposely does not save his writing, so there is no chance of anyone finding or seeing what he wrote.

Gain Perspective

Are you even going to remember this incident at the end of your life? If not, then you realize the relative insignificance of this event. Were there good things that came out of the experience for you? List any positive outcomes. What would the benevolence of Source energy say about this? Source does not judge you but can only extend love, just as a loving parent extends loves to a wayward child. As a spiritual teacher once told me, “We must extend to ourselves the same compassion that we extend to others.”

Bless Yourself

Understanding that you did the best you could under the circumstances, you can let go of your self-judgment and bless yourself instead. Every time you think of the situation, consciously redirect your thoughts away from “I shoulda…” and choose to practice self-love by saying, “I honor my true essence” or “I bless myself”.

Changing the world starts with changing yourself. There is a wonderful ripple effect that happens when we change our interior perspective. Our actions start lining up with our thoughts, and people begin to react differently to us. As Gandhi so famously said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Practice self-forgiveness to create a more forgiving world.

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Forgiveness Fears are Fallacious

April 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment

There are many common fears and misperceptions about forgiving someone who has hurt you. You might recognize yourself in some of these fearful justifications:

You are afraid that forgiveness will empower the other person to continue to hurt you and/or other people.
You are afraid of giving up your victim role and the sympathy you get from other people.
You are afraid that forgiving will make you vulnerable to experiencing hurts similar to those you’ve experienced in the past.

These fears are fallacious, as we shall see.

Since publishing my new book, called A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, several of my coaching clients have declared something like this, “I can’t forgive my ex-husband because I’m afraid he’s going to do horrible things to me and the kids. If I forgive, I won’t be vigilant any more - who will protect my children?” Or another might say, “I can’t forgive him - if I do, I’ll just attract the same type of horrible man into my life again.” These women feel a false sense of security in holding onto their grievances - that wrapping themselves in the negative energy of non-forgiveness will somehow keep them safe. I understand that feeling, because I was in that place for many years.

For me, my thoughts were, “How can I forgive that horrible person for the unthinkable acts she did against me? I was right and she was wrong! I can’t forgive her, because then, I might not be completely right anymore.” Ouch. To relinquish your position of being 100% right - and righteous - is to eat humble pie, and what a bitter pie that is. Yep, that was a tough one for me!

Before I tell you why it’s counterproductive to hold on to these justifications of your non-forgiveness, let’s remember that the definition of forgiveness is not to condone the behavior of people that have hurt you, or to ignore the pain that it has caused you. Instead, the purpose of forgiveness is to achieve a neutral feeling - IN YOUR OWN HEART - when you remember the person or incident that hurt you. It has nothing to do with the other person. It has only to do with relinquishing your burden of anger, regret, resentment, recrimination and self-righteousness - and laying that burden down for good - so you can focus 100% of your energy on your present life.

So here is my little secret about fears about forgiving: Unfortunately, by not forgiving, you cannot protect yourself at all. Holding onto your grievance - and the anger, regrets, resentment, recrimination and self-righteousness that go with it - keeps you in a state of mind that actually attracts those same qualities to you. Remember the old adage that “like attracts like”. If you are holding on to negative emotions and memories, don’t be surprised if similar events and emotions keep showing up in your life. I’m talking about events and people that exemplify the same negative emotions you cling to. They will continue to show up in your life until you forgive.

If you want more of what you’ve had in the past, don’t bother to forgive. If, however, you’d like to make a clean break from the past and live a happier life, please consider forgiveness.

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Forgiveness at Work is NOT Singing Kumbaya

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

nlleaf We don’t often think about forgiveness in a business context. It’s usually not in our vocabulary at work. But it needs to be. Forgiveness at work creates a healthier work climate or environment and creates many other real benefits. It is not a touchy-feely, hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbaya gimmick. Forgiveness in the workplace is good business.

It is important to define forgiveness at work. Forgiveness is giving people the benefit of the doubt and a second (or third) chance after making a mistake. It is putting aside past hurts and affronts to build a respectful relationship with a co-worker. Forgiveness is allowing people to learn through experimentation, without fear of reprisal. It is viewing an employee’s performance from a holistic perspective that includes past work history, personal strengths and the needs of the organization. Lastly, forgiveness in the workplace is cutting management a lot of slack.

Forgiveness does not mean creating a laissez-faire environment in which no one is held accountable, nor does it mean that we ignore bad or illegal behavior. Forgiveness never implies that the natural consequences of an action should be thwarted. Forgiveness and accountability go together to make tough love a stance that recognizes the worth of each individual while holding him responsible for the consequences of his actions.

In coaching executives and mid-managers, I find that the lack of forgiveness is always a factor in interpersonal conflict at work. It is imperative that we find ways of incorporating the gentle art of forgiveness into our work environment. Everyone, including the business, will benefit.

How does forgiveness operate at work? Here are five ways that forgiveness is applied in the workplace and the benefits of each:

1. Forgiveness creates a learning environment.

When people are allowed to fail with forgiveness, they tend to learn from their mistakes. Despite what you may think, every person must fail to learn. Think of a baby learning to walk: she falls, gets up, walks a step or two, and falls again. This pattern is repeated countless times until she learns to walk with perfection. Not only does she walk, but she learns to skip, to jump and to run, too! Forgiveness is especially needed when an employee learns a new skill, is put into a new position, or is promoted to a new level. Even experienced workers, including executives, make mistakes from time to time. A good employee will know when he makes a mistake, and he will need a boost of confidence from their manager, not a tongue-lashing. If the employee is in the right place and has the proper managerial support to succeed, he will learn and grow from his experiences. The corporation or organization will benefit from their accumulated wisdom.

Forgiveness must be accompanied by accountability, however. Established patterns of poor performance usually indicate that the job is not a good fit for the employee’s strengths or capabilities. A possible guideline is: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Once that pattern is well established, it is time to apply the natural consequences of their poor behavior, up to and including termination.

2. Forgiveness creates higher performance levels.

When the work environment includes forgiveness, people become more creative and produce at a higher level. Organizational research has proven that when employees are given more autonomy in their work (which implies forgiveness for mistakes that may occur), they are happier and more productive.

At a corporation that I worked with, a high potential manager was experiencing some unusual but significant performance problems that were affecting his entire team. To his director, he revealed that his wife had asked for a divorce and the emotional stress was affecting his work. Rather than write him up with a performance improvement plan, his director involved Human Resources and found a coach for the manager. After working with the coach for six months, the manager was able to identify ways to reduce his stress, sort through his feelings about the divorce and turn around his performance. In this manner, the corporation practiced forgiveness and saved a high potential employee, who continues to increase his contribution to the department.

3. Forgiveness improves the work climate and increases revenues.

Daniel Goleman reports in his book, Primal Leadership, that positive emotions and upbeat moods improve the work environment, which in turn increases revenues. This is especially true in service companies, where the positive emotions of the workers affect the service provided to customers. How can you increase positive emotions in your team? Martin Seligman, in his book called Authentic Happiness, reports that forgiveness is one of the ways you can increase your happiness. In other words, forgiveness is a contributor to positive emotions, both on the individual and collective levels. Therefore, practicing forgiveness in the workplace can improve the working environment and positively affect the profitability of the company.

Interpersonal conflict is the source of much workplace stress that contributes to lost productivity, failed projects and a toxic environment. When people practice forgiveness toward each other, work goes more smoothly, projects complete on time, creativity is enhanced and problem solving is improved. It is easy to get stuck in a passive war with someone who has stolen your idea and called it his own, or someone who constantly disagrees with you or someone who undermines you. It is harder to find forgiveness in your heart toward these people, but to do so will increase your own peace and happiness on the job and make you and your team more productive.

4. Forgiveness increases employee loyalty.

Research shows that positive emotions in the workplace create more loyal employees. Even in difficult economic times, the loss of a highly productive employee is a concern for all organizations. Creating a forgiving climate in the office or workplace improves the positive emotions and contributes to the retention of good workers.

At another company that I worked with, a new employee had to have emergency surgery before the company-sponsored health plan fully covered her expenses. The company literally forgave her wait period and paid for her medical expenses as if she were fully covered under the medical insurance. In addition, the company loaned her the amount of her co-pay for this expensive surgery. What the company received in return was the loyalty of that worker, who has remained at the company for over twenty years, rising to the rank of Human Resources vice president. Now she is in a position to reach back and help other employees by extending the spirit of forgiveness that still pervades that corporate culture.

5. Forgiveness is cutting management a lot of slack.

We’ve talked a lot about managers forgiving their employees, but let’s turn that around. In most organizations, managers deserve a lot of forgiveness from their employees. Most managers want what is best for the employees, for the customers and for the company, and often it is difficult to please all three constituents. Sometimes, managers must make decisions that cannot be fully explained to their teams due to the confidential nature of the situation. Managers are human like the rest of us and have good and bad days. The same rule as above applies: Forgive until a pattern of failure is established. Suspend your judgments until you have taken a generous amount of time to gather enough data points to truly assess your manager. Then, choose your actions wisely. By forgiving your boss, you may save your job and your sanity in the workplace.

The shape of the 21st century workplace must include the practice of forgiveness for organizations to grow and thrive, because forgiveness, as we’ve seen, produces tangible and intangible benefits. The current economic crisis provides an opportunity to examine and improve or revolutionize - our old ways of doing business. Building a climate of forgiveness in the workplace is a revolutionary idea whose time has come but only for those businesses that wish to survive the current challenges and flourish in the years to come.

Posted by Barb | Filed Under Forgiveness, blog

You Should Try This!

March 16, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Forgiveness is a benefit to the one who forgives. Forgiving liberates your thoughts and energy from negative, dark memories so you can spend more time in the present moment. It is a decision and a process that you freely chose. You should try it!

I am so pleased to announce that my new book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, was just published.

I believe that there are no accidents and no coincidences in life. Therefore, I was not surprised when, the week before I was scheduled to receive the first shipment of my new book, I was faced with a forgiveness opportunity. It was synchronicity at work. The forgiveness opportunity wasn’t a major hurt or affront, but I could have wallowed in victim mentality for a long time, or I could have dug in my heels by taking an “I’m right, she’s wrong” stance. I did neither. I returned to the seven-step process that I describe in the book and spent three nights on my knees in meditation and two mornings writing in my journal about the incident. On the morning of the third day, I awoke happy – happy and relieved that the dark storm cloud of unforgiveness that had gripped my heart for too many days had blown by. In its place was peace.

What I’m saying is – this process really works!

You should try this!

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Forgiveness is like Chicken Soup: Good for What Ails You

February 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Forgiveness is like eating chicken soup for whatever ails you – it helps you feel better all over. You forgive others to help yourself – not to help the other person. Surprised? In my definition of forgiveness, the goal is to neutralize the emotional charge that you carry toward a person who has harmed you. Forgiveness is like letting yourself out of jail – you release the hateful, vengeful thoughts that imprison you and make you feel bad every time you remember the hurtful incident.

So if forgiveness is like chicken soup, what are the results of enjoying a steaming, savory bowl of the stuff? Here are five personal benefits to forgiving:

You are healthier. You do your body a favor when you forgive. Recent research has shown that the act of forgiveness pays dividends in the form of less illness and physical maladies. Some schools of thought state that the lack of forgiveness is the root cause of all physical illness, and that the first thought you should have when you discover a physical ailment is, “Who or what do I need to forgive?”
You are happier and more peaceful. A human being is an energy-producing and energy-consuming organism. The state of non-forgiveness, along with feelings of vengeance, hate and self-recrimination, drain you of energy – they divert large amounts of your daily energy allotment, leaving less power for positive emotions and for enjoying life. Once you learn to forgive, you free up the energy that was invested in maintaining your negative emotions. Now you have energy to invest in positive experiences and enjoyment of your many blessings.
You enjoy improved mental health. Recent research shows that people who learn to forgive suffer from fewer incidents of depression than before. In addition, people who forgive experience less anxiety. Before learning forgiveness, your spirit is stuck in negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and vengeance. When you forgive, you make room for more positive emotions such as love and compassion.
Your stress level decreases. Stress is your response to a perceived threat. What one person perceives as a threat is not a threat to another. If you remain in a state of non-forgiveness, you have less energy to devote to seeking other perceptions of a stressor and seeing it in a different light. A large cause of stress is a lack of control over a situation or your life. When you forgive, you are choosing a different response from the past, which gives you more control over your life and reduces your stress level.
It is easier to stay in the present moment. The process of forgiveness frees you from the tyranny of remembering past hurts. Your spirit no longer is bound to the past, your mind stops reviewing and re-living grievances, and you stop clinging to a victim’s role. You are able to live in the present moment, which is the most spiritually mature way to live. When you live in the present moment, you live with a heart and a mind that are wide open to perceiving the wonders and blessings of life.

It is hard to contemplate an employee in today’s workplace who doesn’t have someone or something to forgive. Forgiveness opportunities range from relatively minor annoyances to major grievances. A minor annoyance at the office, especially in cubicle-land, is the allergic co-worker who sits in the next cube and loudly clears his throat all day in the most annoying way. Can you forgive him? Or what about the customer from hell who yells at you for something you have no control over? Is that forgivable? Consider the boss who repeatedly overlooks you for promotions that you clearly deserve or who gives you a bad performance review? That is not easy to forgive. An even bigger grievance is the boss or business partner who swindles you out of a large sum of money, or who sexually harasses you. Now, that’s a big deal.

Everyone constantly faces forgiveness opportunities – at work, at home, towards you and toward others. In my new book, A Forgiveness Journal, I present a seven step process of forgiving, that includes identifying your feelings, talking it out, changing viewpoints, gaining perspective, writing to the other person, acting and blessing the other. By following these steps, you too can reap the benefits of forgiveness. It’s like eating chicken soup when you feel bad – you will feel better all over!

Kristin’s forthcoming book, A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past, will be released on March 9, 2009.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Forgiveness, blog

Forgiveness is a Team Sport

July 7, 2008 | Leave a Comment

We do not often think of forgiveness as having anything to do with the workplace, but surprisingly, forgiveness is an essential practice of a highly effective work team. Thanks to recent psychological and medical research, we know that the act of forgiveness has many benefits to the individual. “People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more.”¹What manager would NOT want people who are less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, etc. on their team? For a team, the benefits of forgiveness can be multiplied by the number of people who work together. An atmosphere of forgiveness will improve the teamwork, productivity, spiritual integrity and creativity of a workgroup. When practiced by a whole division or company, forgiveness can mean increased profitability.

What do we mean by forgiveness? Forgiveness is a process that we choose to take after we are wronged or hurt by another person. It does not happen automatically. Forgiveness takes a conscious effort - often, the amount of work needed to forgive is proportional to our perception of the gravity of the hurt. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the past so it doesn’t imprison you. We already know it is good for your health and good for your peace of mind. Lastly, forgiveness is a spiritual practice that we can use in the workplace. For step-by-step instructions on a personal forgiveness process, please visit a previous post called Seven Steps to Forgiveness.

To create an environment of forgiveness, a leader must start by establishing and communicating a purpose that is greater than just increased revenues or reduced costs. A compelling purpose for a team might highlight benefits to the customer and reference some of the higher values of customers and employees. For example, Mary Kay Corporation’s mission/purpose statement is “to enrich the lives of women”. The leader of a team that practices forgiveness will be quick to spot conflict among members, and will coach the disputing parties to 1) air their grievances in a calm manner 2) look for the unmet needs of both parties and 3) look for mutually beneficial resolutions to the grievance - before the grievance has a chance to fester and gather emotional energy. A good leader will model forgiveness by personally following those steps toward resolution of a grievance. A good leader will create an atmosphere in which both personal and team failures are seen as learning opportunities rather than causes for recrimination.

What happens when a team does not practice forgiveness? Unresolved grudges build up resentment to levels much higher than the seriousness of the original grievance. People stop talking to each other. Opposing camps are formed, and often if one person is seen talking to a person of the “other camp” they are labeled traitors. A colleague recently described such an atmosphere at her workplace. “It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to go to work anymore,” she lamented. “I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I’ll try to talk to a person from the other camp, and he completely ignores me. He might refuse to perform job duties that are clearly expected of him just because he is working next to me.” An unforgiving workplace is toxic, stressful, ineffective and non-productive. Absenteeism, health care costs and attrition all rise in an unforgiving environment - at great expense to the employer.

As leaders, it is our spiritual imperative to build forgiving organizations. A spiritually intelligent team is a team that learns to forgive. How can you contribute to the forgiveness quotient of your workplace?

¹Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, page 78.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Forgiveness, Work, blog

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