Spiritual Goal Setting

February 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment

It’s that time of year when people set goals and companies are finalizing for the coming year. I’d like to share my thoughts and experiences about goal setting that might provide you with some new perspectives on this annual ritual.

I have a love/hate relationship with setting annual goals. The trouble I see with setting specific, rigid goals for a year or more at a time is that you can’t predict what life and the universe will present you 12 months in advance. I have earnestly set goals in January that were out of date by the first of April. I get discouraged by that.

Here is an example of life’s unpredictable nature from one of my coaching clients, who gave me permission to share this with you. In September, 2008, he accepted an early retirement package from his company and left the workplace where he had been employed for 17 years. I asked him if taking early retirement was in his goals for 2008. He said, “No, that wasn’t even on my radar screen last January because I had no idea that the company would offer a package.” This is a great example of the universe throwing curve balls at you. In this story, it was a happy ending for my client, but a surprise nonetheless.

Yet, I acknowledge the wisdom in sayings such as “What gets measured gets done” and “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” So I recommend setting over-arching themes for the year, such as financial targets, big accomplishments, life balance and health goals - and revise them quarterly. Set your overall goals but leave room for God to fill in the specifics of how you will achieve them. Indeed, expecting divine intervention and surprises is what makes goal setting fun and exciting!

I have worked at several companies that revise their budgets every three months. These companies acknowledge the fact that it is impossible to anticipate changes such as market disruptions, the loss of a major client and unplanned but needed investments. So too should you review and revise your annual goals quarterly.

Here are three other activities to enhance your goal setting:

Create space in your goals for God’s grace to manifest in your life. I do this in my company’s budget by leaving some income lines blank, with question marks in the dollar column. The blanks and question marks leave room for surprises and blessings that I cannot anticipate. This is similar to a prayer of petition that asks for some blessings and adds, “Or whatever is for my highest good.” Delivering that which is for my highest good is Source’s job and delight, and I wish to be open to it.

Create specific, granular three-month goals and review them every day. The period of three months provides a good chance of achieving specific goals and can help you break down your overarching goals into doable, achievable mini-goals. Every quarter, create new three-month goals that take you closer to your bigger goals. This way, you can create your path toward your larger goals as you go.

Lastly, picture your goals in color. Create a vision or dream map using a large poster board. Divide the board into four quadrants and label them with these aspects of your life:
- Physical/home
- Business/career/financial
- Family and friends
- Spiritual and service to others

Find colorful images of what you wish to achieve and affix them to the appropriate quadrant of your board with a glue stick. For example, in my business quadrant, I glued a picture of a coach, a teacher and a transformer because those are the roles that I wish to play for others in my business. I included a picture of a piece of paper money (a US greenback) with my income goal for the year printed on it. This fun exercise gives shape to your overall goals, and provides a format for considering your life in a holistic view.

Have fun with your goals! I envision you achieving all your dreams for 2009.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Intentions, Work, blog

New Year Self Examination

December 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment

The new year is fast approaching, and now is a perfect time to take a few quiet moments to examine your life’s journey over the past year and look ahead to the promise of the coming year. I try to do some comprehensive journaling at this time of year, and find that self-examination is especially helpful as you look ahead. I’ve created a list of questions to help you examine the past year and plan for the new one.

I am not a great fan of setting goals for a year at a time. The reason for that is that life seems to bring changes that I can’t predict 12 months in advance. But I am a proponent of setting over-arching themes to a year and a few specific goals, such as an overall financial goal, and then revising them every three months or so. The tendency for life to throw curve balls at you is the reason that some corporations revise their budgets every quarter, to account for mid-course corrections. As an example of a curve ball I received, last December, I set myself a goal of making X dollars per month by September 2008 from my blogsite. I didn’t achieve that goal for several reasons that I couldn’t have anticipated a year ago, but I sure learned a lot from the experience! Interestingly, I did achieve the overall financial goal I set for this year, but in far different ways than I anticipated. So, I recommend you set overall goals but leave room for God to fill in the specifics of how you will achieve them. Indeed, expecting divine intervention and surprises is what makes goal setting fun and exciting!

As you prepare to answer these questions, you might go back to your calendar or journal and review your activities for each month of the year to remember what you did - memories can be fleeting.

Here are the questions - my new year’s gift to you:

Looking back:

What successes did you have this year? What were your inner successes, such as a change in perspective, forgiving someone, letting go of old hurts, etc? What were your outer successes or tangible achievements?
What were the lessons learned this year, perhaps from difficult situations? What good came from the hardships you endured? (If you are reading this, one good thing is that you survived!) From these lessons, what can you remember and apply to the coming year’s activities to make you wiser, stronger, healthier or more prosperous?
What were some of the Kodak moments that I want to remember from this year? (Kodak moments are those times when you want to capture the picture or feeling of the experience forever.) It might be with your family, in nature, with friends. It might be an awe-inspiring experience on a busy street corner.

Looking ahead to the coming year and beyond:

What would you like to do to improve or maintain your physical body’s health and well-being? This could include diet, exercise, medical interventions and rest.
What steps will you take to improve or maintain your social relationships, such as those with your family? What about the quality of your friendships? Do you have at least one person with whom you can confide some of your deepest thoughts? What can you do to improve or maintain these connections?
What is your financial goal for next year? What are the steps that you will take to achieve them?
What are you tolerating in your daily life? In other words, are there minor irritants in your life that, once eliminated, could make your life flow more smoothly? What five tolerations could you eliminate in the coming 30 days?
How can you advance your career this year? What steps can you take to enrich yourself or your business to take it to the next level? Are there educational opportunities that you should take advantage of?
What can you do to improve your spiritual life? Are there some practices, such as prayer, meditation, reading or being in nature, that you could incorporate into your daily routine? How can you feed your spirit this year?
How can you be of service to others? Can you give back to your community in a new way this year? What would make your heart sing while serving others?
Lastly, what one big goal do you have for your life? What would make you happiest, most fulfilled, most purposeful in the next 10, 20, 30 or 40 years? What is your plan to achieve it?

Happy New Year!

Posted by admin | Filed Under The Journey, Work, blog

In Economically Unsettled Times, I Choose Love

October 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment

A Course in Miracles states that there are only two emotions, love and fear. All other emotions are derivatives of those basic feelings. Of the two, which emotion have we primarily seen at work in our economy over the past several months? Of course, the answer is fear.

When I worked in the securities industry years ago, we said that markets are driven by fear and greed. Greed is the operative that fuels run-ups in the markets as investors try to make a buck (or a euro, in this global economy). Fear causes sell-offs like the stunning one we’ve seen in the markets over the past month.

Recently, I’ve heard people speak fearfully about their diminished investment accounts and 401k’s. I’ve heard people express fear about the security of their jobs. I even heard one friend express concern about the balance in her child’s school PTA bank account, which was approaching the $100,000 limit of the FDIC insurance.

Fear is a normal reaction to what’s happening to us. Fear has its good side – it can make us more vigilant and more careful about our money, which is not a bad thing. But fear can paralyze us and cloud our thinking. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they are about to cash out all their holdings. I admit to thinking about it now and again – wouldn’t cash be safe! This is a normal, fear-based reaction, but is not a wise or prudent action. Selling now would be counter to the market’s basic rule of buy low, sell high. Selling now is selling low.

So, how can we choose love at this time?

First, we need to remember several spiritual laws. The first is “As within, so without”, which means what you think about, comes about. The Bible expresses this as “So a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.” In other words, if you believe that this is a disaster, it will be so. The second is “Within chaos comes opportunity.” We know this to be true in our own spiritual development - a crisis such as a divorce, serious illness or death of a loved one causes short-term chaos but can initiate tremendous inner growth in the long term.

If you are fearful about being laid off at work or about business in general, here’s what you can do to replace fear with love:

You valiantly choose a positive outlook as you walk in the door, refraining from gossiping or speculating at the water cooler (or via IM) about who’s going to get the ax and how bad it is at the office.
You look for more ways to make your boss look good.
You immediately revive your professional network both within and external to the company, taking time to go to lunch with others, catching up with people who you haven’t seen in months and listening for opportunities.
You apply for jobs, perhaps even ones that are beneath your current abilities, but that could parlay into a better one in the future.
You check your internal thoughts several times a day to make sure that you are clear within so that you send “good vibes” out to others, knowing that the energy will be returned to you.
You look for the good in every situation, and express love in the form of appreciation, respect and integrity at work.

Choosing love also means to look for the opportunity in the downturn. Sandra Yancey, CEO of eWomenNetwork, says that recessions are great times to buy whatever you need, “because everything is on sale!” Warren Buffet said the same thing about stocks last week in an opinion piece in the New York Times entitled, “Buy American. I am.” Buffet related that in his personal investment account, he is buying up solid American stocks because he believes that they are cheap now and will appreciate in the long term. My colleague, Jean Keener, of Keener Financial Planning, has this sound advice: “Recessions have historically been fantastic buying opportunities. If you’ve got cash in hand that you won’t need for at least 5-10 years, this could be a rare opportunity to be brave and benefit financially in the long-term.”

In what other ways can you choose love by looking for the opportunity in the downturn? Think like a contrarian! Think about starting a business or going back to school. Look for side businesses that are recession-proof. At the grocery store last week, I stopped by a wine-tasting display where the woman behind the table proclaimed wine a recession-proof business. I guess we need to drink more now than in good times! How can you find a recession-proof business like wine?

As for me, I’m doing some major contrarian thinking. I’m starting a new business, based on spiritual intelligence, in a recession! Crazy! So here is my vision: In this tough time, I picture myself planting seeds that need watering, weeding and fertilizing before I can harvest the fruits of my labor. Most of the seeds will bear fruit when the economy revives, but I leave room in that vision for some seeds to germinate and mature overnight like Jack’s beanstalk in the fairy tale.

Even if you know that keeping a positive frame of mind is good for you, it’s easy to fall into fear during these uncertain times. Click here for a quick visualization exercise that you can do to gain perspective and loosen fear’s grip.

For your own happiness, choose love. For the betterment of your career, choose love. Because life is short, choose love.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Work, blog, gratitude

Take Pride in Your Job

September 15, 2008 | Leave a Comment

It was late Friday night at O’Hare airport in Chicago. The plane was a little delayed and all the passengers were tired, crabby and eager to go home, including me. As we entered the aircraft, we were greeted by the first class flight attendant, who had a personality that filled the aircraft! “Welcome aboard, and how are you doing tonight?” he would ask each person as they boarded. I took my seat in first class, delighted that I could observe this flight attendant take command of his aircraft, greet each passenger personally and welcome them onto his flight. When a young mother with a crying toddler came on, he greeted the young girl with, “Honey, it’s your lucky day – you get to fly on my airplane tonight!” As we pulled away from the gate, he continued his banter during the safety briefing announcements, making jokes and wisecracks, and encouraging the other flight attendants to do the same. I was surprised, amused and impressed with this unusual behavior.

I have noticed that since 9/11, flight attendants and other customer-facing employees at this and other major carriers are demoralized, de-motivated and tired. They have faced salary cuts, longer working hours and higher stress, due to the established possibility of terrorism in the skies. They feel stuck in their jobs, victims of a seniority system that makes it impossible to take a new job with another carrier. All of this made the performance of the flight attendant that Friday night unusual and noteworthy.

What was remarkable was how much pride, energy and ownership he put into his job. I come across people from all levels in the org chart who are in similar employment situations to this flight attendant. Because of the economy and the current job shortage, many people today feel stuck and unappreciated in their jobs. In fact, according to Talent Smart, only 15% of all workers, including managers and executives, feel respected and appreciated in their jobs.[1] Rather than complain about a less-than-perfect job situation, it is the responsibility of each worker, from the CEO down to the lowest-paid employee, to take pride in their job and do it to the best of their abilities.

How can you take pride in your job? Here are a few suggestions:

Decide to give it 110%: What your mother told you is true: if a job is worth doing, it is worth doing right. Do it to the best of your ability. Own your job output and put your good name on it. You don’t have to love your boss, have the perfect co-workers or the best working conditions to take pride in your work and go the extra mile to ensure high quality results. Notice, however, that we are talking 110%, not 200% percent. I meet many over-achieving executives who have exhausted themselves trying to be all things to all people in a difficult environment. Pace yourself, set priorities, identify the areas that you can exert the most influence and delegate or defer the rest.
Exert control over what you can: You may not have control over all aspects of your job, but you can identify areas that you do control and focus on them. The flight attendant had control over the airplanes he flew, and he focused on how he could influence the atmosphere of that environment. You may not be able to influence the performance targets the Vice President sets, for example, but if you are a manager or director, you do have control over how you communicate them to your workgroup. Concentrate on supporting your group so they can do the best work possible. Then try to let go of the need to control what you cannot.
Make it fun: We spend too much time at work not to have a little fun at it! The flight attendant customized his safety announcements, using his own talents, to make it fun. Although not everyone is a comedian, we each have a unique approach to humor and having fun. How can you give your co-workers a smile and make their day? How can you lighten up your workplace?
Speak and act positively toward co-workers: If you change your attitude and behavior, often other people will change, too. Sometimes people get locked into a negative relationship with a co-worker or manager because of personality differences, miscommunications, annoying personal habits or past affronts. If you find your self in this position and the other person is basically an OK person - not a bully and not acting illegally or unethically - try this experiment for two weeks and see if it makes a difference: Speak and act only positively to that person. Compliment the person when it is warranted. Notice the good things they do. Support them in their job. Do not speak disparagingly about that person to anyone, including your spouse or partner. If you are able to do this for just two weeks, it is highly likely that you will notice that the other person responds in kind, and that you have repaired the situation. The result: a happier, less stressed YOU.
Practice extreme self-care: If you are in a high-stress job, take good care of yourself. Self-care is highly individual and dependent on life stage, financial resources and time constraints. Seek ways to manage your stress and balance your energies in ways that make sense for your situation. Simple self-care can include taking time to walk outside at lunchtime, talking to a good friend and having an active social life. Self-care might also include massages, regular exercise, and, ironically, community service. Community service can broaden your perspective by getting you out of your normal environment and can fulfill the human need to serve others.

If successful in applying some of these guidelines, an amazing thing may happen: You may find that by changing YOUR attitude toward work, the work atmosphere changes. Take a lesson from the flight attendant, and you may find that the job you thought was less than perfect is actually pretty darn good!

[1] Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, “The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book”

Posted by admin | Filed Under Work, blog

Seven Characteristics of an Authentic Leader

August 17, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Being an authentic leader is a cornerstone of building a spiritually intelligent workplace. To be authentic is to be real, to be genuine. If we consider that the opposite of authentic is phony or fake, then most people would vote for authenticity. It’s like a counterfeit coin, which doesn’t buy us anything once it is discovered, whereas an authentic coin is highly valuable. Personal authenticity breeds trust, commitment and loyalty in a work group. Teams that practice authenticity are stronger, more productive and experience less interpersonal friction than those that are – well, inauthentic.

Teams that empower each person to lead in their own way tend to be authentic, too. I am a firm believer that any person, not just the designated manager, can lead from where they sit in the organizational chart. I’ve seen teams accomplish great things as they rally around a peer who leads and has great influence because of their personal authenticity.

So, what characterizes authentic leaders? They have the following seven qualities:

Awareness and development of personal strengths: The authentic leader has a high degree of self-awareness and understands her strengths. She has developed her innate talents into strengths by practicing them and building a body of knowledge in that area. She may have discovered her strengths through honest self-assessment or been aided by participating in a course of study such as Brio Leadership’s In-Powering People and Teams training. She knows that she is brilliant when she works in her strengths, and is dull and unhappy when she is not.
Awareness and acknowledgement of personal weaknesses: Along with understanding strengths comes self-awareness of one’s weaknesses. The authentic leader recognizes his weaknesses, as indicated by those tasks that he neither enjoys nor excels at. For example, some people do not perform well when asked to do detailed, repetitive work such as bookkeeping. The authentic leader acknowledges his weaknesses and finds ways to mitigate them, often by delegating those tasks to others.
Values-based decision-making: The leader knows her own values and makes decisions based on them. The leader’s values allow her to make forward-thinking decisions that keep the team or organization true to its mission. Says Richard Barrett, author of Liberating the Corporate Soul, “Values are the anchors we use to make decisions so we can weather a storm. They keep us aligned with our authentic self.”[1] An authentic leader will also make sure that her values are aligned with those of the organization she works for.
Integrity: Integrity is doing what you say you will do, being trustworthy and keeping confidences. You can count on authentic leaders to be good for their word. Integrity is the foundation for building high-performance teams. Teams that work in a trustworthy environment will produce much better results than those that are characterized by suspicion and a lack of trust.
Empathy and respect for others: Authenticity means not only being true to yourself, but respecting others and being empathetic to their individual circumstances. An authentic person knows that all team members are not alike, and that our differences, when respected and acknowledged, can make the team stronger. Authenticity is the ability to listen empathetically and with an open heart to the stories, backgrounds and needs of others.
Courage: This is the ability to stand up for what you think is right, to make unpopular decisions, and to speak up respectfully when you disagree with what others are saying, even if it is your manager. I once had a manager who complained that all her direct reports “only blow me sunshine,” meaning that they told her only the good news. She was requesting more courage on the part of her direct reports.
Emotional management: Lest we think that being authentic means to inappropriately express all emotions as they are felt, we must address the need for emotional management. The authentic leader will not hide his true feelings, but will have enough self-control to respond rather than react to emotional triggers. He will know better than to lash out at others when angry, but will be able to express anger in a way that is productive, and with timing that will ensure maximum impact. A leader that expresses anger often and inappropriately will only be feared, not respected – and we know for a fact that human beings do not produce their best work when fearful. The leader who acknowledges his feelings in a way that respects the other person will engender loyalty in his team.

Are you an authentic leader? To find out, ask yourself if you display these seven characteristics. If you fail in one or more of these qualities, think of how you might develop it in yourself. Your team and your organization will profit from your efforts to become more authentic.

[1] http://www.valuescentre.com/docs/ValuesBasedLeadership.pdf

Posted by admin | Filed Under Leadership, Work, blog

Change your inner thoughts, change your outer life

August 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Change your thoughts and you change your life - we’ve heard this lesson in multiple forms from many teachers. May Kay Ash told us that “If your mind can conceive it, and if you can believe it, you can achieve it.” Dr. Norman Vincent Peale told us about the power of positive thinking. The Christian Bible tells us that “whatever a man sows, so shall he reap.” We know from personal experience that if we wake up in a bad mood and do nothing to change our negative attitude, the rest of the day will be full of disappointments and snafus. There is something about our inner thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that have an annoyingly reliable tendency to be reflected in what happens to us.

This week, however, I was really struck by the power of this lesson in my own life. We have a teenager in the family who is only weeks away from going away to college, and his behavior and attitude toward his parents is edgy, to say the least. We figured it was completely normal, and perhaps even God’s way of making us look forward to him leaving the nest. My husband and I have been complaining to each other about him - until I happened to be speaking to an adult friend of my son’s who said, “Your son told me he is really going to miss you when he goes to college, and wants to spend some time with you this summer.” I was shocked that my son would think that, much less say that to a trusted friend. Ever since then, I’ve looked at my son with different eyes. He looks so handsome, so kind, so smart now! I give him a kiss more often, tell him I love him and will miss him - heck, I even gave him a back massage this week! The miracle is that my son has been sweet to me ever since I changed my attitude toward him.

What a whack on the side of the head! Duh! Of course, he could pick up on my energy, attitude and impatience with him, and he was acting accordingly. Of course, there was a lot of normal teenaged hormones and the process of individuation going on at the same time, but as my husband always says, “Who’s the adult in this situation? It’s you, honey, not the kids.” I needed to change my inner thoughts to change the outer life of our family.

Is there someone in your life who is irritating you? Perhaps it’s a son or daughter, or a co-worker, a customer or a friend. Could you change your attitude, your inner thoughts about this person? Could you start to think they are handsome, kind or smart, like I did with my son? Could you see that person with the eyes of God, as a blessed child of the universe? I bet if you can change your inner thoughts, the other person will start behaving differently also.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Intentions, Work

Our Spirits and Minds Need Rest and Recovery Time

July 17, 2008 | Leave a Comment

An athlete in training knows that periods of intense exercise must be followed by time for rest and recovery. The muscles are strengthened by this process of stress followed by rest, but muscles fail if they are strained for too long. Just like athlete’s muscles, our spirits and minds need periods of rest and recovery. I strongly advocate periodic breaks from the pounding daily routine of work and family responsibilities. The mind can recover by being exposed to new ideas in a different environment, but the spirit needs expansive, quiet time to rest and recover its zest.

Business conferences are good events for stimulating the mind. Going away from the daily work routine and hearing cutting-edge speakers and thinkers can be extraordinarily healing and inspiring to the mind. The spirit, on the other hand, needs to periodically experience quiet times, enjoy nature and take time for contemplation in order to rejuvenate.

I am experiencing both types of events in the course of two weeks this summer. I just returned from a fast-paced business conference that was at once highly stimulating and physically tiring. During the time out of the office, I was able to think new thoughts, see my business from different perspectives and consider new possibilities. I came away inspired and charged up, ready to apply some of the newly discovered insights and tips. Next, I turn to a quiet retreat time to restore my spirit. I will spend four days on retreat at Upaya Zen Center in New Mexico. During this time, I will meditate, journal, eat several meals in silence, enjoy the spirit-nourishing group activities and bathe my eyes and soul in beautiful mountain scenery.

It is so important that we give ourselves the gift of rejuvenation. We need daily, weekly, annual and once-in-a-lifetime rituals that feed our souls and spirits.

What are your plans for rejuvenating your mind and spirit?

Posted by admin | Filed Under Stress Management, Work, blog

Forgiveness is a Team Sport

July 7, 2008 | Leave a Comment

We do not often think of forgiveness as having anything to do with the workplace, but surprisingly, forgiveness is an essential practice of a highly effective work team. Thanks to recent psychological and medical research, we know that the act of forgiveness has many benefits to the individual. “People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more.”¹What manager would NOT want people who are less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, etc. on their team? For a team, the benefits of forgiveness can be multiplied by the number of people who work together. An atmosphere of forgiveness will improve the teamwork, productivity, spiritual integrity and creativity of a workgroup. When practiced by a whole division or company, forgiveness can mean increased profitability.

What do we mean by forgiveness? Forgiveness is a process that we choose to take after we are wronged or hurt by another person. It does not happen automatically. Forgiveness takes a conscious effort - often, the amount of work needed to forgive is proportional to our perception of the gravity of the hurt. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the past so it doesn’t imprison you. We already know it is good for your health and good for your peace of mind. Lastly, forgiveness is a spiritual practice that we can use in the workplace. For step-by-step instructions on a personal forgiveness process, please visit a previous post called Seven Steps to Forgiveness.

To create an environment of forgiveness, a leader must start by establishing and communicating a purpose that is greater than just increased revenues or reduced costs. A compelling purpose for a team might highlight benefits to the customer and reference some of the higher values of customers and employees. For example, Mary Kay Corporation’s mission/purpose statement is “to enrich the lives of women”. The leader of a team that practices forgiveness will be quick to spot conflict among members, and will coach the disputing parties to 1) air their grievances in a calm manner 2) look for the unmet needs of both parties and 3) look for mutually beneficial resolutions to the grievance - before the grievance has a chance to fester and gather emotional energy. A good leader will model forgiveness by personally following those steps toward resolution of a grievance. A good leader will create an atmosphere in which both personal and team failures are seen as learning opportunities rather than causes for recrimination.

What happens when a team does not practice forgiveness? Unresolved grudges build up resentment to levels much higher than the seriousness of the original grievance. People stop talking to each other. Opposing camps are formed, and often if one person is seen talking to a person of the “other camp” they are labeled traitors. A colleague recently described such an atmosphere at her workplace. “It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to go to work anymore,” she lamented. “I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I’ll try to talk to a person from the other camp, and he completely ignores me. He might refuse to perform job duties that are clearly expected of him just because he is working next to me.” An unforgiving workplace is toxic, stressful, ineffective and non-productive. Absenteeism, health care costs and attrition all rise in an unforgiving environment - at great expense to the employer.

As leaders, it is our spiritual imperative to build forgiving organizations. A spiritually intelligent team is a team that learns to forgive. How can you contribute to the forgiveness quotient of your workplace?

¹Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, page 78.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Forgiveness, Work, blog

Releasing Judgmental Thoughts

June 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Can you think of a colleague, co-worker or acquaintance who really annoys you, but is probably a pretty agreeable person underneath their irritating qualities? Stated another way, are there people who make you bristle because of a certain aspect of their personality, but if you consider them with an open heart, you could find quite a few redeeming qualities? I can say yes to both of these questions, so I assume that you can, too.

Psychologists tell us that the qualities in others that most irritate us are the qualities that we fear in ourselves. If it weren’t so, then the other person’s behavior wouldn’t bother us and we wouldn’t even notice it. For example, I mentally label loud and talkative people as rude or braggadocio. But, if I am really honest with myself, I have a tendency - or perhaps it is an internal wish - to be loud, talkative and braggy. However, if I weren’t somehow conflicted over that tendency, it probably wouldn’t annoy me so much when I encounter loud and talkative people.

What happens when we unmindfully hold onto judgmental thoughts about others? Those feelings can grow from a mere irritation to a huge iceberg of resentment, jeopardizing your working relationship with that person and sometimes poisoning the team’s spirit if the person is a co-worker. Because negative emotions create stress in our minds and bodies, holding onto a judgment or a resentment hurts us - it is a self-inflicted wound. To recognize and release a judgment allows us to lighten our load of destructive emotions. We do it for ourselves.

There are some steps we can take to stop our judgments of other people:

Make an inventory of past triggers.The first thing we can do is take a mental inventory of the people and their qualities who have angered, annoyed or irritated us in the past. This prepares us with a list of traits that has triggered our reactions in the past and helps us recognize them as we experience them in the future.
Notice when you label or judge someone. We need to train ourselves to become aware of our judgments, which fortunately becomes easier with practice. Mentally scanning the body for emotions occasionally during the day can help us identify a judgmental feeling, which usually lodges in our solar plexus or lower in the abdomen. As soon as possible, notice when you judge or label something or someone - before the judgment turns into a resentment.
Stop. Interrupt your run-away thoughts, emotions and judgments. Breathe, imagining that you are breathing through your heart space. Five breaths will open your heart space and neutralize your cascading judgmental thoughts.
Gain perspective. View the person or event from a neutral or different point of view. You might attempt to perceive the situation from the viewpoint of an unconditionally loving mother, saying to yourself, “Surely this person’s mother loves her.” Or you might perceive the situation from the perspective of a disinterested third party. What might a person who has no emotional investment in the situation observe or think? Lastly, consider the situation from the soul perspective, opening your heart and your spirit to the essential goodness in the other person and the ultimate perfection of the situation. This is where miracles happen.
Thank the person at a soul level. There are no coincidences. This person or situation has appeared in your life for a reason, perhaps as an opportunity to learn a life lesson. The other person’s soul agreed to engage in this encounter for your benefit, or for the benefit of both souls. On some unseen level, there is perfection in the situation. Gratitude is an appropriate response. Thank the other person. Or you can use a phrase common in the southern region of the US, and mentally say with deepest sincerity, “Bless your heart.”

Recently, I noticed myself judging someone in a business meeting. Fortunately, I caught myself before I got too deep in my judgmental interpretation of the behavior that I found irritating. Taking a deep breath, I found myself thinking of how her mother must love her. I found that amusing but helpful. Then, in my spirit, I miraculously caught a glimpse of her soul. That sudden shift in perspective surprised me and I smiled to myself. All of this happened in a split second, so rest assured that I didn’t zone out of the meeting for more than a couple of words! Only later did I remember to thank her soul, but when I did, I immediately felt a shift in energy between us.

I am grateful for the opportunity to develop my awareness and learn from my experiences. As always, my hope is that, by sharing my journey, your journey will be enhanced.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Forgiveness, Mindfulness, Work, blog

Freeing Ourselves from Limiting Beliefs

June 20, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Limiting beliefs are those mental blocks that keep us from living happy lives and fulfilling our potential. They tell us things like, “I am not good enough” or “I will never have enough money”. Limiting beliefs are created in reaction to life experiences. The most powerful limiting beliefs are formed when we are children and adolescents, when our brains are not yet fully developed. When we are young, we react to events the best we can, forming beliefs that protect us from further psychological harm. Not all limiting beliefs are formed during our young years, however. Adult experiences can cause us to form limiting beliefs, too, but they generally don’t exert as strong a hold on us as ones created when we are young.

Becoming aware of our limiting beliefs is a large contributor to overcoming them. I know about this from first-hand experience. I recently became aware of a limiting belief formed during adulthood, and the simple awareness of it has made a huge change in my life. I’ll share how it was formed in hopes that others can relate to the story and begin to identify some of their own limiting beliefs.

The limiting belief that I was operating under was “I shouldn’t travel for work because bad things happen to my family when I’m gone.” This belief has caused me extreme internal conflict every time I travel for business - I love my work, but I hate to leave my family. Here’s how it was formed.

When my son was an infant, he was chronically ill with asthma, extreme food and environmental allergies, ear infections and constant colds. Every time he caught a cold, he would have a severe asthma attack. Asthma in an infant or small child is extremely dangerous - their small airways get so closed down that they cannot breathe. We called him the canary in the mineshaft, because he was so sensitive to almost everything. He was hospitalized numerous times during the first three years of his life, and my husband and I nursed him through many anxious nights.

When he was three years old, I planned to extend a business trip to New York City to spend the weekend in Maine with an old friend. This was the first time that I had planned a solo pleasure trip in the three years since my son’s birth. The night before I was supposed to go to Maine, my husband called and told me that our son was getting a cold. My husband and I kept in close touch by telephone. By noon on my last day in New York, it was clear that my son was in the middle of a severe asthma attack. I needed to go home to take care of my family. I changed my plans to go to Maine and re-scheduled my flight so I could return home that night. My husband said he would meet my plane and drive me home from the airport.

I arrived at my hometown airport at 1:30 am that night, exhausted. When I got out to the curb, I realized that my husband wasn’t there to meet me - a bad sign. I called home, and, to my horror, my minister sleepily answered the phone. My heart sank, fearing the worst. He told me that he was staying at our house for the night to care for my daughter while my husband took my son to the hospital.

I took a cab home and then drove to the hospital, where I exchanged places with my husband, who went home to be with our daughter and send our minister home. I joined my son in the Emergency Room, where several doctors were working on him. They needed to put an IV in his arm, but my son couldn’t lay still due to the asthma drugs that made him jumpy. He was wheezing, crying and thrashing his arms and legs. They had to put my baby in a straight jacket to restrain him. At that point, the doctors suggested that I leave the room, perceiving that I was about to lose it. I sat down on the floor in the hallway, put my head in my hands and wept as I listened to my son scream in the adjacent room. I never felt so desperate and hopeless as that night.

Although my son and I survived that night, I internalized that traumatic experience into extreme guilt and worry during every business trip I’ve taken since then. It’s been a limiting belief for me - robbing me of internal ease and confidence when I traveled. Now that my children are almost out of the nest, it seems time to give that up.

At my prayer group meeting recently, I had a revelation. During our sharing time, somehow this story came up. I told it and wept. Then I realized that this event had caused me to develop a limiting belief around travel. I had told myself that I hate to travel for business, which is not entirely true. I felt compassion for myself, understanding how and why I had built up this belief. It had served me well during the years my children were young, influencing me to make decisions that kept me closer to home. But now, girded with the knowledge of this limiting belief and that my family is OK without me, I can start believing that business travel is OK and maybe even fun!

I’m off to both Finland and Nashville tomorrow for a week-long business trip. I look forward to testing my revised belief that business travel can be fun!

Posted by admin | Filed Under Stress Management, Work, blog

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