Positive thinking does not make every difficulty, every illness, every failure, and every fault in ourselves or in our lives magically disappear. Babies fall many times before they walk; none of us live forever; we all suffer. This is the human condition – the challenge to overcome in order to grow. It is how we deal with that suffering that heals or kills. Positive affirmations may not change the cards we are dealt, but they can dramatically change how the hand impacts our lives.

Many years ago, I was struggling with a deep personal relationship in which my feelings were increasingly distanced and our relationship was becoming programmed in painful and harmful words and actions. A number of books, including Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power of Positive Thinking” became important to me. One of the books said that our feelings are illusory and don’t always represent reality – or at least the reality we want within our deepest selves. Emotions can develop like bad habits – they feel real, but they rarely represent all that is possble. The book suggest that one can change her life when they learn to “Act as If” ……. to act as if what our deepest selves want is real, even when our emotions do not feel that way. In this case, it meant to actively change my actions and responses to “act as if” I felt truly loving and believed that the other person could also respond positively even when I felt distant, to act with compassion and concern even when those feelings were overwhelmed by the pain which comes from patterns based on old hurts. To act “as if” we were re-building our relationship from the beginning again, and quit interpreting today by what happened yesterday. At first, I struggled with this – was I simply suppressing my feelings? Was it a way to hide from the real problems in my life? I decided to try it in the most authentic way I could. “Acting as if” didn’t require me to be hypocritical, but simply to act in a loving and compassionate way – which is something that is consistent with my deepest self. As my actions became less closed and I let go of old reactions, the relationship healed to a point where we could start talking, really listen, and rebuild the love between us. I learned that I could still try to deal positively with real problems while also learning to change my actions as if what I deeply desired could exist. We moved beyond the caricatures that we had each built of the other to a deeper understanding that we were imperfect but valuable individuals. Years later, we find refuge in a relationship where we can truly be who we are – imperfect but treasured, and seen for who we desire to become in the future.