Seven Steps to Forgiveness

February 5, 2008

Forgiveness is good for you.  The process of forgiveness has been shown to have both psychological and physical benefits to the person who is doing the forgiving. Shocking, isn’t it?  You may have heard the old axiom, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  Now, thanks to recent research conducted by venerable psychologists, there is clinical proof that non-forgiveness is bad for you. Dr. Fred Luskin, in his book called Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness notes that the results of his and other scientific studies show that “People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more.” (p. 78)

Would you like to have less anger, depression and stress in your life?  Would you like to be more confident and like yourself more?  Forgiveness is an answer.

Although I admire many of Dr. Luskin’s techniques for teaching forgiveness, I’d like to offer my own “Seven Steps to Forgiveness” in a nutshell in this blog.  Perhaps I’ll have an opportunity to expand on some of the steps in future blogs.  You let me know if you want to hear more!

Some preliminary words: Forgiveness is a process, not an event.  If something or someone has deeply hurt you, you may find it difficult to forgive quickly – although it is possible, and to be able to forgive immediately is my personal goal.  Believe me, I am not there yet. You may not even be aware of people or situations that you need to forgive, but their memories may be festering in your cellular tissue, unconsciously depleting your energy and vitality.  As you become aware of these issues, practice these steps to lighten your energetic load, clear your heart and live more peacefully, knowing that forgiveness will happen on your own individual time table.

Also, this technique is what works for me today.  I reserve the right to amend and change this approach as I learn more!  As mentioned before, I intend to get to a point of grace in which I can forgive people and events as they happen. But I know I am not there yet.

Step One: Identify exactly how you feel.  Write extensively and expressively about the situation/person/event, sharing your deepest thoughts, emotions and needs. Many spiritual teachers understand the power of writing – it wrests your feelings from the more primitive emotional brain and allows the analytical brain a chance to examine the subject. Both my husband and I keep a journal because it helps rid the psyche of negative emotions.  Write until you feel you can write no more.

Step Two: Talk to a trusted friend, partner or advisor about this subject.  This is an important step to help you fully identify and acknowledge the emotions, but also to get another person’s perspective on the situation.

Step Three: Consider and write about the situation from the other person’s point of view.  What might they have felt?  What was going on in their life behind the scenes, as it were? What were their needs? What did you do to contribute to the situation?  In my experience, this is a difficult but transformational step.

Step Four: Consider and write about the situation in the third person, as if you are a newspaper journalist writing about it.  Include only the discernable facts about the event, only what a neutral third party would have observed if they had been there.  This step helps to build perspective.

Step Five: Construct a forgiveness letter to the person who aggrieved you, acknowledging the emotions that person might have felt, their needs and what elements of their background might explain their actions.  You do not need to send this letter or talk to the person in order to benefit from this step. 

Additionally in this step, consider how you can move from being a victim in this situation to the hero.  Forgiving is certainly heroic.  In what other ways can you write yourself as the hero/heroine?

Step Six: Decide what actions you will take, whether it is legal action or a conversation with the other person. Remember, forgiveness is not the same as condoning, and there are times in which legal action is needed.  However, legal action taken in the spirit of forgiveness will be much less stressful for you than otherwise.  Your energy will be clear.

Step Seven:  Your brain has been trained to tell your grievance story about this situation every time you think about it or the other person.  You need to re-train your brain to rest in forgiveness, you need to stop your negative, blaming or self-blaming thoughts in their tracks. Catch yourself immediately upon thinking of the grievance, take a deep breath (see my blog on breathing, http://kristinrobertson.com/breathing-to-relax.htm) and bless the other person and yourself. In this manner you will re-pave the neural pathways in your brain so your habitual thoughts won’t do the blame game like a CD on repeat.

In addition, you may need to meditate on forgiving the other person (see one of my several blog posts on forgiveness at http://kristinrobertson.com/forgiveness-redux.htm).

Prayer:

Holy One, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  Amen.


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Comments

One Response to “Seven Steps to Forgiveness”

  1. Forgiveness is a Team Sport » Post » Everyday Mystic at Work on July 7th, 2008 8:03 pm

    [...] What do we mean by forgiveness?  Forgiveness is a process that we choose to take after we are wronged or hurt by another person. It does not happen automatically. Forgiveness takes a conscious effort – often, the amount of work needed to forgive is proportional to our perception of the gravity of the hurt. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the past so it doesn’t imprison you. We already know it is good for your health and good for your peace of mind. Lastly, forgiveness is a spiritual practice that we can use in the workplace. For step-by-step instructions on a personal forgiveness process, please visit a previous post called Seven Steps to Forgiveness. [...]

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